{"id":280,"date":"2011-03-24T14:02:52","date_gmt":"2011-03-24T21:02:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mattfife.net\/wordpress\/?p=280"},"modified":"2013-04-29T10:24:22","modified_gmt":"2013-04-29T17:24:22","slug":"thoughts-for-when-you-get-that-call-at-5am","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mattfife.com\/?p=280","title":{"rendered":"Thoughts for when you get that call at 5am…"},"content":{"rendered":"

I haven’t written on this much, but felt that I’m in a good place to share my thoughts now that it’s been 2 years.<\/p>\n

My dad had a stroke about 5am the day after Christmas in 2008.\u00a0 When it happened, I fell back on a lot of the things I learned in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education<\/a>).\u00a0 CPE is something almost all ministers of most every denomination are required to take during their training.\u00a0 It wasn’t a bunch of classes; instead, it is primarily experience driven.\u00a0\u00a0 I think this quote about CPE from Wikipedia sums it up nicely:
\n“Learning in CPE is largely focused on the students’ development of the self. The students are introduced into encounter with persons in crisis. Out of an intense involvement with persons in need, and the feedback from peers and supervisors, students develop new awareness of themselves as persons and of the needs of those to whom they minister<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

So why is it they take this approach?\u00a0 Because everyone experiences <\/em>crisis differently.\u00a0 The reality is that there really is no way to teach what you or others <\/em>will actually feel or experience when another person dies, is informed of a terminal illness, is involved in an accident that will permanently affect you or a loved one, etc.\u00a0 Yes, there is some minimal educational ground work that can be done to set expectations and understanding basic processes of how people deal with acute stress. (i.e. the 12 stages of grief)\u00a0 But after that, it is a process of experiencing and participating – then taking time to reflect, connect what you learned, and process what happened based on your own beliefs and faith.\u00a0 If one does this over time and with enough people, (hopefully) you learn enough about yourself, your faith, and how to be present to others so that one can actually be of service to others in those moments.\u00a0 That’s what CPE (hopefully) does.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, this also means it’s limited by the individual student’s ability to cope with and process the experiences they have.\u00a0 People must be in a healthy place themselves before they start.\u00a0 Much of the screening (6+ months of screening to get into a 4 month program) is to judge some of that.\u00a0 But the reality is that even when ‘ready’ you walk into CPE, it will expose all of your own unresolved emotional, family, political, relationship, faith and other issues.\u00a0 This is ok so long as you are willing to properly deal with those emotional hits and not take them out or project them on others.\u00a0 Your job is to listen to the person in crisis’ beliefs\/needs\/feelings\/confusion and guide them to understanding of what it is they are experiencing and what their own lives are telling them.\u00a0 It’s not about telling them what they should do\/feel.\u00a0 Some programs go so far as to even require their students simply reflect what the person is saying\/feeling and do not allow them to even ask questions. (try THAT as a listening exercise with someone at some point).<\/p>\n

So to that end, here are some things I learned (or re-learned) and probably are good to keep in mind if you or a loved one gets seriously or fatally injured.\u00a0 This is mostly true for the first few hours of the event:<\/p>\n

1. You will (all) be in a surreal state<\/u> – You and everyone involved (save the hospital staff) will experience everything in a surreal state of adrenaline, grogginess (if at a weird time of day), and emotions that can be anything from fear\/terror, anger, shock, disbelief, or even ambivalence. Your internal state will be in such a state that you’ve likely never felt it before both physically and mentally. But what will you feel exactly?\u00a0 There are no rules and no two people will be the same – in fact, in different crises, the same person will likely experience it differently each time.\u00a0 THIS IS ALL NORMAL.\u00a0 Outside of obvious self-\/other-\/ or property destructive behavior – simply let everyone react as they are doing and tell yourself that’s ok.<\/p>\n

In these moments, folks will react in the way their psyche and bodies need or dictate.\u00a0 It will likely be strange and you’ll see sides of folks you likely never have – but again that’s ok and to be expected.\u00a0 The only key is that you don’t try to force yourself <\/em>or others <\/em>into a particular response.<\/strong>\u00a0 Don’t tell yourself or others that their crying needs to stop, or others must do a particular thing or act a certain way, etc.\u00a0 As long as the behavior isn’t causing harm or getting in the way of decisions that need to be made in those moments – it is probably better to let it run its course.\u00a0 It is the time to respect and let those things happen for everyone there.\u00a0 If one person starts monopolizing interaction, or breaking into behavior that is utterly disruptive or combative, then you *might* calmly ask them what they need next (ex: asking if they’d like to go somewhere quiet, or just sit down, or hold the loved ones hand, etc).<\/p>\n

Severe grief, destructive behavior, or completely disruptive\/domineering behavior that is trying to force others into courses of action\/disparaging\/etc should not be allowed if it’s severely impacting others. The best answer for that behavior is to gently remove them from the immediate vicinity and have them speak their mind to good listener.\u00a0 Most of the time this behavior comes from trying to take control of a situation that hurts that they cannot be in control of.<\/p>\n

Here’s some common things people might experience\/fall into.\u00a0 But expect people to vacillate between several of them:<\/p>\n