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2 years ago, I saw the words nobody wants to read on what was supposed to be a routine checkup.

Cancer

I got notification of test result at 4:45pm on a Friday afternoon. It was a normal screening procedure that I had almost forgotten about. They had only one sample to send in as a precaution. I was getting ready to go to a fun social event in an hour, so I decided to check it out since I had the time. There it was, in black and white, a report that clearly found cancer. Half-dazed, I read through the biopsy report dozens of times and looked up everything in the report to understand it. A clearly not good spread level and other characteristics that could not be denied. By the time I read the report – it was already after 5pm and my doctor’s office was closed. I called and left a message with my number.

There was little else to do but go to the social event and enjoy being with friends. I tried to enjoy myself but didn’t mention anything. Maybe this was all a mistake – or the wrong patient. Mistakes can happen. After playing phone tag until Sunday, I was finally in contact with my doctor. There was no mistake. He was referring me to the oncologist. I scheduled the appointments and started telling those close to me.

As all cancer patients will tell you – what comes next is a whirlwind of shock, tests, insurance calls, and doctors appointments. All the while you wonder – how bad is it? What stage of cancer do I have? Has it spread? Will I survive? I read up on as much as I could.

To answer those questions, you take lots of tests. A CT scan was scheduled, but waiting 2 weeks for a scan felt like forever. I called the poor CT scan scheduler each morning about cancelations. Within 5 days I got a slot. A day later, I was informed it did not seem the initial cancer had obviously spread – but there was something odd on one kidney that would require an MRI to resolve. Another scheduled appointment, and more waiting. I got in to my MRI and got the scan. I was halfway home when my phone notified me a result was already back. I got off the interstate and parked along the road and read the report.

Kidney cancer

Really? 2 cancers? At the same time? I remember almost laughing while talking to God. Really? We’re going to do this? Well – if this is it for me – then Lord, please make this mean something or do some good for someone.

More oncologists, more doctors visits, preparing time off from work, more planning. It took me about 2 months until all the surgical teams could be arranged with the special new robotic surgery devices they required. Surgery would be the first week of January 2023.

All during the run-up to the surgery, it was a lot of waiting and praying. It was also Advent – a season of anticipation of the arrival of Jesus in the darkness of death. I was going to daily mass, praying extra every day, arranged an anointing of the sick, and a did a general confession. But it was during the rosary that I began to find a special connection – to the sorrowful mysteries.

Each week on Sunday, I’ll try to post what each mystery taught me.

9 For this reason also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:9)

This video from Fr Bill Casey spawned some reflection time for me.

Jesus knew all too well the foibles of his apostles. Most of them really did not understand Jesus nor his mission. They fought over who would be ranked highest. They misunderstood many of his teachings. They don’t even believe it when he was resurrected.

9 Jesus replied, “Philip, I have been with you all this time, and still you do not know Me?” (John 14:9)

You can’t exactly blame them. Most people expected the messiah to be like King David. A conqueror who would overthrow all of Israel’s enemies with military might. Instead of overthrowing the Romans, nobody expected him to willfully die one of the most humiliating and painful deaths met out by the Romans: crucifixion. Instead of an earthly kingdom – Jesus’ kingdom was going to overthrow evil on the hardest battleground of them all: the human heart.

But what about Judas? The gospel of John says that it was known that Judas, who held the group’s money, used to steal some of it for himself. His character was doubious:

4 But Judas Iscariot, one of His disciples, the one who intended to betray Him, *said, 5 “Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii and the proceeds given to poor people?” 6 Now he said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief, and as he kept the money box, he used to steal from what was put into it. (John 12:4)

It could be as Fr Casey says. Jesus may have chosen Judas to be show us that scandals and betrayal will come even from his closest followers. It is true. The Church is made of frail human beings. People are prone to sin, even those in the Church. One does not have to look far to see sexual abuse scandals or the countless other political, financial scandals in the 2000 years of Church history.

Woe to the world because of things that cause sin! Such things must come, but woe to the one through whom they come! (Matthew 18:7)

But there is another side to sin: God’s infinite mercy. Jesus tells us he was not sent to condemn the world, but to find the lost sheep. While we live, there is still time for each of us to change:

12 If any man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains, and go and search for the one that is lost? 13 And if it turns out that he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that have not gone astray. 14 So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven for one of these little ones to perish. (Matthew 18:12)

The Father does not seem to desire for anyone to be lost. Jesus will seek us out no matter how far we run or hide. No matter what bramble or snare we have caught ourselves in. He is abounding in infinite love. He asks us to die to ourselves and so die with him to be born again in new life.

I believe Judas could likely have found forgiveness – if he had sought it. Why? Because every one of Jesus’ apostles ran away when he was arrested. Peter denied him 3 times when he promised to die with him just a few hours before. Maybe not as directly as Judas, but they all betrayed Jesus in some way.

74 Then he began to curse and swear, “I do not know the man!” And immediately a rooster crowed. 75 And Peter remembered the statement that Jesus had made: “Before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly. (Matthew 26:74)

The difference is, Peter and the other disciples came back to be reconciled. Peter found his reconciliation after he lost hope and returned to fishing. Along the shore, Jesus directed them to a huge catch of fish and then 3 times asked Peter if he loved him. For the 3 denials, Peter made 3 confessions of love. For this, he was reconciled to Jesus – and became the foundation of the Church.

Judas, on the other hand, did not return to Jesus. Maybe Judas tried to turn Jesus over to the authorities in order to force Him to start the uprising he hoped for against the Romans. Maybe he didn’t believe in Jesus as messiah, but as the political revolutionary Judas wanted. Maybe he thought he was next to be rounded up and crucified by the Jewish leaders so he decided to kill himself instead of bearing crucifixion. The other disciples were also hiding for the same reasons.

The wild thing is that whether we seek Jesus’ mercy or not – we will become a sign. Scripture tells us EVERYONE will bear witness to the truth of what Jesus taught – even those that deny it. At the last judgement all nations will be brought before the Lord and every secret of our lives will be laid bare to everyone. The ones that believed and lived in truth and light will bear witness to the beauty of God – the ones that denied Jesus will be a witness to living in the darkness they preferred:

11 Then I saw a great white throne and the One seated on it. Earth and heaven fled from His presence, and no place was found for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne.

And there were open books, and one of them was the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their deeds, as recorded in the books. 13 The sea gave up its dead, and Death and Hades gave up their dead, and each one was judged according to his deeds. (Revelation 20:11)

If we betray, ignore, or abandon Jesus – what happens is up to us. Do we choose to be Peter or Judas? Even if we have made a life of mistakes, if we turn ourselves over to Jesus, our lives can be an eternal testament to Jesus’ mercy to the most hardened sinner. If we turn away from Jesus out of fear or believing ourselves unworthy – then I believe the pains of hell will be knowing all we needed to do was turn to Jesus during our life and ask for his forgiveness and to turn our hearts over to Him.

Be not afraid. Read about Jesus’ mercy in the bible, or in St Faustina’s writings about Jesus Divine Mercy. In the apparitions to Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque, Jesus made several promises, one of which is: “Sinners shall find in My Heart the source of an infinite ocean of mercy“.

You are so close to ending a life tied to the mistakes of your past, your fears or regrets, pains or emptiness – to a life of freedom and forgiveness and grace to start anew.

“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.”—Turkish proverb

You simply must do as Peter did. Tell Jesus you love him and ask for the forgiveness Jesus waits to offer you. Sit with me and do as Jesus tell us:

Lord Jesus, you are the infinite ocean of mercy. No matter the mistakes I have made, the pain I have caused, or the unworthiness I feel, I trust in your promise to come to the lost sheep. Your grace has overcome all sin and wrong in the world. I come to you now, a simple person who has made mistakes and give you my heart. I trust in the promise – bathe me in the infinite ocean of your mercy and make me a sign of your love and forgiveness in the world. Lord Jesus, I trust in you.

Pick up your cross and carry it – or you become one for everyone else

It’s hard for us to conceptualize heaven, but we do know from saints and scripture that it is a place of complete fulfilment. That there are no secrets and all live in light and truth that is god.

But think about that: there are no secrets. You live in truth.

We also know that what we have done here on earth affects our experience of heaven. Those that have proven faithful will shine like the stars. Some that are last will be first, and some first shall be last. There will be distinctions – based on how we lived.

But think deeper – this means that every single person in this world we have encountered may be there. That at the last judgement, the nations will be laid out before the lord and we will all confront everyone in our lives we dealt with. Those we loved, those we hurt, those we cheated, the hard words we said, the lies we told about others, or even those we might have killed. If we expect to enter into heaven – where they may be – everything must be resolved and put right.

Do you live a life of hidden habits and behaviors? Hidden words? Hidden actions? Hidden infidelity? Do you live today with perfect honesty with those you love? Are your business deals honest and fair? Is there anything you do or say during the day you wouldn’t want EVERYONE to know? What if everyone knew your finances? How you conduct your business deals? How you pay or treat your workers? All of this will be on display to everyone – especially those it affects most.

If any of that makes you uncomfortable, then it’s time to evaluate your life and those actions. Because they must all be set aright before you can enter heaven.

The struggle to a good Lent is not to do more, it’s to do less. As you free up space in your heart from the things you’re attached to, God and his love for you can get in and fill the voids you’re filling with everything else.

Have you gotten tired of fighting the world? Struggling to get that amazing job, that big promotion, the house, the fancy car, that perfect trip with Instagrams to make everyone jealous? Grown tired of news that has nothing but doom and outrage? The job/coworker/boss that gets you down? The family member or relationship that just doesn’t seem to be working or has gone sour? Yet it never seems enough. We know that just like the last big thing we got – we’ll soon be looking for the next thing. The slog just sort of…keeps going but we’re not any more happy.

I was in adoration and thinking about what I was going to do for Lent – and things I had done in past Lent times.

When I was very young, I did things because my parents told me too. I certainly didn’t see any value in giving something up or having to have fasting days. I did it out of obedience. It felt like dragging big buckets of water up a hill. It wasn’t fun and I didn’t think I learned much more out of it than sacrifice, like going to the gym, was hard work. It certainly wasn’t something I wanted to dedicate my life too. Those saints were masochists.

As I got older, I saw my religious practices very much like going to the gym. I knew I needed to do it to stay healthy and in shape, but it sure wasn’t fun. I was still dragging each bucket of water up the hill – huffing and puffing all the way. All trying to do it with my own strength and willpower. Like a lot of gym memberships in February, I wasn’t very successful some years.

After experiencing a great spiritual awakening during my opening years of adulthood, I embraced spiritual growth much more fervently. I had fallen in love with the Spirt and Jesus – but was pretty misguided at times. I spent large amounts of my energy doing lots of activities. Some of them, especially the ones where I connected with others, were very rewarding. Prayer was exceptionally rewarding – I discovered (as Teresa of Ávila said) I could just sit with Jesus wordlessly and experience his deep, abiding love. But I was still very focused on the ‘doing’ part of my faith life. It lead me to always questioning if I was doing what I should be doing and wasting a lot of time on things I thought I should be doing (volunteering for things, speaking out for things, getting involved in projects, etc). It’s not like these weren’t good things – they certainly were. But like before (and the gift of hindsight), many times I ended up pursuing my goals, my ideas, and again, doing them with my strength.

This Lent a visiting priest said something very powerful that finally opened a new door of insight. As I sat reflecting on it in adoration; a wisdom swept over my understanding. His statement was simply this:

The key to a happy marriage, happy priesthood, or whatever our vocation – is to always be making more and more room for Jesus so he can fill the gaps we open up with his kind of love, understanding, and way of life. That is what picking up our cross every day and following Jesus means.

Taking up your cross/Lenten penances are not willfully deciding that you’re going to do a bunch of good deeds that day, deny yourself everything but bread and water, or found a new religious order. That’s more dragging heavy buckets up the hill.

It’s flipped, reverse it. Instead of trying to lift heavy burdens and fighting a behavior, you must simply name that part inside yourself at each moment and invite Jesus, who can heal every disease, in to each area of your heart as you go through your day. You are not fighting against the injustice/disappointments/expectations out there in the world, you are quietly and constantly living with your friend Jesus in your heart more and more. Listening to his quiet voice in each encounter – walking with Jesus every moment of our day.

It’s astounding. It’s so obvious. Anyone who has tried will find they usually cannot change the world around us – all we can certainly change is ourselves. We don’t have to figure out how to beat our impatience – Jesus, who can cure every illness and heal any heart – already knows how with a word. We have the simple part. All we need to do is hold it out there and make it a moment of encounter with Jesus. This is why the man in the temple who simply said, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner” left justified, and the Pharisee who was doing it through his own willpower actually wasn’t connecting with God at all. He didn’t need God.

If you are impatient, it’s not about trying to make yourself be more patient. It’s about recognizing when it’s lacking and using that moment to step back, prayerfully connect to Jesus, and make it a moment the two of you can laugh together at the absurdity of our lives. It’s not a slog of fighting against the frustration of an old lady counting out each coin one at a time at the checkout, it’s inviting your deepest lover into that new corner of your heart. Until there is nothing left but intimate love that fills every part of you.

You can walk through the day and do this constantly. In this way, we walk through every moment of the day and each and every moment can be an encounter with our lover. This is why saints saw struggles as moments to be treasured. This is why they sought out great penances at times – because it helped them find the corners of their hearts that were still troubling them from being at peace.

In the 1500s St. Charles Borromeo was the Archbishop of Milan.  He and couple of other priests were playing a game of billiards.  While the game was going on, one of the priests said:  “What should we do if we knew that the last judgment would take place in an hour?“

One said:  “I would kneel down immediately and pray for the next hour, until the end of time came.“ The next one said:  “I would go to one of you for confession and confess everything I did wrong in my entire life to have a clear conscience.”

They waited to see what the Archbishop would say… after a moment of silence he bent over and stuck the ball with his stick and said:  “I should quietly continue to play the game, because I began it with the intention of honoring God.“

The archbishop was simply going about his day trying to bring Jesus love into that part of his heart. It’s in this way, when we’re walking through even the most mundane things, we can be always be making more space and making that space an encounter with Jesus. It’s not fighting things ‘out there’, it’s about inviting and loving ‘in here’. When we change ‘in here’ to be Jesus – we now live and love as Jesus did. We can get ourselves and our egos – the things always seeking more and are never satisfied – out of the way and simply live in the radiant love of Jesus more and more. We become Jesus for others. We find peace because we’re living in it – constantly.

This is real freedom and real happiness. It means we never even fear our own end – because we have been living each moment with Jesus. We simply move from imperfect vision to perfect vision. From being with our lover imperfectly – to being with Him perfectly. The only sadness is that we wouldn’t have more time to learn to love Jesus better and become an even greater saint in heaven.

Links:

• https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2018%3A9-14&version=NIV
• https://www.theprodigalfather.org/billiards-and-the-end-of-time/
• https://fatherkevinestabrook.blogspot.com/2015/11/homily-33rd-sunday-in-ot-2015-signs-of.html
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Borromeo