³⁶ Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” ³⁷ He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. ³⁸ Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

³⁹ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Matthew 26:36-39

When faced with cancer and prayed the rosary, I immediately related to this passage. Is this really what must happen? Is this really the end? Why are things happening this way? Can you take this cup away from me?

I’m afraid and distraught. I know that pain and suffering are coming. What pain would I endure? Would I have major surgery? Would treatment leave me debilitated or handicapped in some way? If it didn’t work – would I still be facing a slow, painful death even after all the treatments?

Jesus knew what was coming and had publicly predicted his death many times – but now the time is here and it is crushing Him. There was comfort knowing that I could take all these things and bring them to Jesus – who knew exactly how hard facing death was. Especially when it seemed there must be some other way. Surely the Father could think of another way? Why would God let this happen?

Jesus could have brought down a legion of angels, raised and fed an army, and even brought back the dead. He could easily have overthrown the invading Romans, shown his glory to the temple officials, and become a ruler of the world. He would be the greatest ruler Israel, and the world, had ever known. Instead, he allowed himself to be betrayed and captured, falsely convicted by the leaders of His own people, sentenced to death, and given over to one of the most brutal and humiliating criminal deaths in the Roman Empire.

Instead, the kingdom of God was going to be brought about in whole new way. We, his humble creations and children, were going to be participate with the Trinity itself. We wouldn’t just witness to the acts of God like in the past – God wants to dwell in and work through us. God wants to adopt heirs as sons and daughters. God wants us to participate in His plans by being part of them. This great mystery is one the greatest saints and apostles have written about. Yet, even the most humble person in the world is given this invitation now – precisely because Jesus died for our sins so the Spirit could be sent to live in each of us.

Maybe Jesus knew all of this, but maybe He was simply obedient and trusted in the Father’s plans. Jesus trusted His Father’s plans would be even better than anything Jesus could do Himself – even conquering the entire world. In the end, Jesus simply said, “Not my will, but yours be done.” and in doing so – became the King of Kings who redeemed each of us and will reign forever:

⁶ Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits^[a] of God sent out into all the earth. ⁷ He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. ⁸ And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. ⁹ And they sang a new song, saying:

“You are worthy to take the scroll
    and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
    and with your blood you purchased for God
    persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.
¹⁰ You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
    and they will reign^[b] on the earth.”

Revelation 5:6-10

There was nothing for it but to pray and know the Father can make my suffering mean something. I knew that even if this end looked completely futile, God could use it to help the world. I told Jesus I wanted to unite what I was experiencing with what he surely had to feel in Gethsemane. I prayed I might find healing and the cup may pass me over – but not my will but yours be done Father. If I were to die, I asked God to make some good come from it for someone. We are all going to die – we can let God make it mean something. God can bring purpose and meaning to even the worst tragedies in our lives.

Not my will Father, but yours be done.