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Despite all our efforts, each of us experiences difficult and tragic moments in life. We will all experience the death of loved ones or life altering illnesses or accidents to ourselves or others. Modern society has relegated death largely to hospitals (instead of the home where 90% of deaths occurred even as recently as 100 years ago) and the dissolution of nuclear family support systems have left many of us poorly equipped to emotionally deal with these events. Yet, I think most of us know of a relative, friend, religious leader who seems to know what to say and is a gentle pillar in our times of need. They make the journey through these dark valleys much easier in a way that seems almost natural. The truth is that this isn’t something that comes naturally to most. Instead, it is sometimes called learning how to ‘holding space’ or ‘holding sacred space’ for someone.

Holding space means that we are willing to walk with another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control. It creates an environment where people can feel what they need to feel with someone they trust and in doing so, learn how to listen to and trust themselves and their abilities to do the right things. This space allows them to acknowledge and process the often dramatic, illogical, and out of control feelings and thoughts that are common during these moments instead of burying or having them judged and discounted. In my experience, it’s how we become conduits of Christ for others.

Anyway, here’s the 8 points that this article covers about how to hold space for others. I recommend it as a read.

1. Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom.

2. Give people only as much information as they can handle.

3. Don’t take their power away.

4. Keep your own ego out of it.

5. Make them feel safe enough to fail.

6. Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness.

7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc.

8. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. 

Thought for the new year:

Stop managing your time. Manage your focus.

The Vatican recently sent out a questionnaire to all the Catholic bishops around the world. The questionnaire asked some direct questions about views on marriage and the family. The answers from Japan were particularly interesting. After all, Japanese Catholics represent only about 0.35 percent of the country’s population.

The most amazing observation, however, came during the question about couples cohabiting before marriage (something almost 100% common in Japan). They observed, “The pastoral practice of the Church must begin from the premise that cohabitation and civil marriage outside the church have become the norm.

In developing a pastoral orientation, it is perhaps important to recall that the only time in the gospels that Jesus clearly encounters someone in a situation of cohabitation outside of marriage (the Samaritan woman at the well) he does not focus on it,” they state. “Instead, he respectfully deals with the woman and turns her into a missionary.”

This observation was as spirit-filled a response as I could have imagined. Instead of a pastoral stance which would beat others up and taken a hard-line approach – preaching and admonishing – they took their observations straight from Christ himself. Christ called out the woman’s situation clearly and truthfully, but he treated her with respect and love as the same time.

It’s a reminder that a pastoral response calls a spade a spade, but never loses sight of the beauty and worth of every human life.

http://ncronline.org/blogs/ncr-today/japanese-bishops-vatican-mindset-doesnt-fit-asian-church

Writings from a theologian I love with a profound understanding of the human heart/condition:

“Man is the creature with a mystery in his heart that is bigger than himself. He is built like a tabernacle around a most sacred mystery…this sanctuary is neglected and forgotten, like an overgrown tomb or an attic choked with rubbish, and it needs an effort – the effort of contemplative prayer – to clean it up and make it habitable for the divine Guest. But the room itself does not need to be built; it is already there and always has been, at the very center of man.”

Hans Urs von Balthasar

Lest you think this is all just religious nonsensical musing – others recognize it too…

“I was raised as a type-A person that won love and approval from my family by my accomplishments and achievements at school and professionally. It’s how I thought the whole world worked.

But when my autistic son was born, I had someone that wanted to know if I could love them for simply who they are, not what they could accomplish or do (or not do). This was the first glimpse I had into what unconditional love must be like.

You have to set aside all those expectations and learn to live and love with whatever you are dealt. You first feel like your life has gone into freefall. But you must remind yourself again and again that freefall is where a bird first learns to fly.”

“It is more important that innocence should be protected, than it is that guilt be punished; for guilt and crimes are so frequent in this world that all of them cannot be punished…. But when innocence itself is brought to the bar and condemned, especially to die, the subject will exclaim, ‘It is immaterial to me whether I behave well or ill, for virtue itself is no security.’ And if such a sentiment as this were to take hold in the mind of the subject that would be the end of all security whatsoever…”

-John Adams

Looked through the African Air photography book by George Steinmetz.  One of the best parts was the introduction. It had one of the most powerful quotes I saw.

In Steinmetz’s intros, he describes how he exited college and hitchhiked across Africa for over two years.  Most of the time completely alone, no knowledge of the language or customs, battling illnesses and unrest, and often found himself sleeping on police station porches or living off the generosity of locals who he couldn’t even talk with.  It was there, with almost no knowledge of how to even use a camera, he started shooting photos.  Those early pictures are an fascinating catalog of visceral encounters.

On returning to the states, he managed to get a meeting with Bob Gilka of National Geographic’s photo department and get some kind of job with National Geographic.  Gilka is apparently famous for his harsh, critical style and a sign outside his office door that said “Wipe knees before entering”

So Steinmetz, after hard years in Africa, he put his photos on the slide carousel. Gilka held the advance button without stopping. This then happened:

He stopped once when he saw a photo he didn’t like.  “Doesn’t work” he said curtly.  I tried to explain some of the difficulties of the situation but he cut me off.

“Is that an excuse?” he asked.
“Uh, I guess so,” I said.
“Well, we publish photographs here, not excuses.”

Ouch.

Wow.  What an introduction to the professional world; however, it really helped Steinmetz in the end.  Gilka admired Steinmetz’s tenacity and determination; but told him to come back when he’d learned more photographic techniques, how to use artificial lighting, and could handle a wider variety of situations.

I guess it’s always a good reminder to me that to be good in your business/field – you should look at it that way.  Don’t make excuses, make improvements.

Went back to Purdue for the School of Science annual alumni advisory board again.  More interesting insights.

While the tide seems to be changing, we have all heard (or lived) the woe’s of recent college graduates.  Students graduating with many hopes/promises of employment that never panned out.  Compounding matters, we see that in some fields a masters or PhD is the minimum entry bar.  Some have even asked if a BA college degree has been reduced to the new high school diploma.  The school you go to also seems to matter as we see huge unemployment rates coming from some degree-mill colleges.

So what is a potential student to do?  The good news seems to be that for half the equation you should do what you should have been doing all along, and the other half is new but may well make your time at college better.

Stuff you should do when looking at a future college (or your own if you’re already there):

1. Am I going to college/university to simply learn as my goal, or am I expecting a job out of this?
   First questions first – what you want to do in life?  Not what major you want – but what you want to DO for a living.  Where you want to be 5 years after school is over – envision a whole day from getting up to bedtime. Are you working with people?  What things are you working on?  Academia or in industry?  Writing as much of this down can help you clarify.  This, after all, is the whole point of school anyway.  If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never know if the steps you’re taking will get you where you’ll be happy.  While going to college to ‘find yourself’ or solely for personal growth can be noble and good – it may also be a bit dangerous if you’re racking up a huge bill while doing it.  Getting as much clarity of where you want to go (or if not that – at least what you DON’T want to be doing) goes a long way to preventing being tens of thousands in debt in a field you just learned you hate or isn’t what you want to do.
2. What does your chosen field require to be considered employable and ‘successful’?
   With step 1 done, now you need to find out what you need to know/skills needed to do that work you described in #1.  Talk to a good counselor from your perspective school, look at job postings for your desired position(s) on Monster and other job sites, look at resumes of those in the field on Linked-in, and talk with people in that industry or job.   What skills and education do they require?  Do you even need a college degree to get into your field at the level you want?  You’d be surprised which fields don’t need a college degree or that sometimes a degree actually forces you down a different part of the field than you want.  If a degree is required, what major and what level/specialization would get me into the field I most want?  In some fields, a masters is the minimum bar of entry for getting hired.  In others, getting a PhD actually closes doors to industry but opens academic work open to you.
   I’ve seen many a folk get badly burned by mismatching their desired area of work and their degree.  One fellow desired to do social work ran off and got $100k in debt to get a PhD when all they needed was a 4 year degree.  I’ve seen folks get a degree in a major to find out what they wanted to do could have been done with a simple certification.  Yes, there is always the pursuit of learning for its own sake – which is always good.  But don’t confuse just getting more education with desired outcomes.
3. Is your school known for good work in that major/field?
   Not to give offense to the professors at these schools – but if you’re going to Julliard to learn engineering, or going to MIT for inter-racial studies – you’re probably not making the best choice for your buck.  Like it or not, I have seen the name of a school open doors.  While they do not get you a job, but they very well will open you to an interview you might not have gotten before.  You should pick the school on your list that has the best reputation for the field you’re hoping to get into (and that you can afford).
4. Is the school you’re considering likely to get you the job you want?
   This is the pragmatic side.  You should be able to ask and see the placement rates (and hopefully) the average salary ranges of those getting hired.  If they have a career center, you should be able to get a list (or at least a good idea) of what companies come to hire from the school.  If there is nobody on the list you want to work for, or the placement rates are bad (under 50%), you better consider looking elsewhere.  It will also tell you what you should expect to earn your first few years out of college and be a good basis on how much debt you should/shouldn’t be getting into.
5. Debt
   A good rule of thumb is that you should only take on the amount of debt that you would hope to earn in a year’s average salary for your major (disregarding taxes/etc).   A doctor?  $100,000 in debt might be totally acceptable.  An engineer?  Depending on the type – maybe $30k-60k.  If you start going over this amount – things start getting more difficult.  I recently saw a guy well over $100,000 in debt getting a PhD in social work who will be making $25k-35k/yr.  He will barely be able to pay off the interest each month and his hopes of starting a family are pretty much nil unless he marries someone who can help with that debt.  Don’t get yourself in over your head – you can end up paying for it the rest of your life.

So what more is someone to do to really seal the deal?  Last year, Purdue hired a social networking expert who was working on Purdue’s Linked-in and various other social networking sites.  She came and talked to us – and she touted an idea that adds a new arrow to your quiver of employability.

It starts with a realization of the world you are now in.  There are quite literally 1000’s of people around the country walking across graduation stages at the same time as you with the same degrees.  You’re no longer unique just because you got a degree or even if you got a near perfect GPA. Instead, you need to now stand out from that crowd – just as you did when in high school.  How does one do that?

You could get on the deans list and get a perfect GPA.  Those do help – but in reality those kudos are not quite as important as you think they are to employers.  Instead, we can take cues from very highly competitive fields: movies, design, and art.  In those industries, a portfolio of great work and a name are keys to success.  Sure, they need to have done well in their studies, but now employers are also going to want to see what you can do.  They have less time/money to train, there are more people out there applying, and they want to know more than ever that a hire will pay off.  Despite what you think, your college education just lays the groundwork for success – your employer still needs to get you up to industry-grade snuff.

New tips:

1. A portfolio works wonders
   If possible, build a portfolio of your work you can show off.  This is essential in any art field – and becoming more so for other fields.  If you’re a programmer: got any apps you wrote that you can throw on a laptop or mobile device and show?  A demo reel?  Do you have any news articles/clippings of work you’ve done or been part of?  Pictures of things you’ve done you can show on an iPad?  Websites of open-source projects you’ve worked on?  Being able to physically hand something to an interviewer/prospective hiring manager is HUGE.  It’s tangible proof you can and have done things.  This one alone has sold us on a candidate at my place of work.  Here’s a link that might help you know what to put and not put into a portfolio.
2. Find what you are passionate about and do some work in that outside of school work.
   This is already happening in Computer Science.  Graduates distinguish themselves by finding and contributing to an open-source project they like, leading a group in their field, presenting at conferences, writing web articles on specific topics, having a body of programming work and applications they can show off.  Hopefully (if you’ve found a field you actually like to study), this shouldn’t be a terrible burden – even if you only do this stuff in the summers/breaks.  You are trying to build and do things that can build up #1, and #3
3. Brand yourself for today’s social media world
   Like it or not, social networking is here to stay.  The first thing that many, many employers do is Google you – so you need a robust and professional ‘brand’ for your name.  You absolutely should have a Linked-in account that is professional looking, filled out, and used regularly to make connections with people in your field  At networking events when exchanging business cards, ask if you can connect with relevant people via linked-in.  A blog, a personal website, Facebook and Twitter are also good.  Spend some time on them an update them with relevant content.  Your portfolio, interesting links and discussions on your field, etc.  Make a habit of this – it’s real obvious when someone just starts updating those sites when they’re looking for a job (i.e. no posts for 3 years then a flurry every day).  You want what they find to be professional and appropriate.  A history of entries relating to your field shows you’re actually interested in it. This work, unfortunately, starts well before you are job hunting.  Actually, it started from the day you opened an account on the site.
   I don’t want to give a lecture, but drunken pictures of parties and your stance on controversial/illegal activities isn’t what should be showing up.  Let’s just be clear: Nothing you posted on Facebook or other social media site is private.  Nothing you put on Facebook or other site can be completely deleted.  People can copy pictures, link against your content, take screen-caps of your IM’s, and quote you on other sites – and you have no way to stop them.  Just don’t post anything you don’t want employers to read or see.
4. Selling yourself
   All the above do this, but we haven’t talked about one final thing.  This particular tip hasn’t changed; but it’s not the indie 90’s anymore.  Don’t be fooled into thinking your personal appearance is an individuality thing – it’s a reflection of your knowledge of the field.
   Dress: Dress nicely, yet appropriately casual/professional.  It shows they know about the field enough to know what is considered the ‘norm’ and shows respect for it and the employer.  You’d also be surprised how even a good photo of yourself on your profile can change things when someone is determining whether to email you based on your profile.  Again – appropriate is the key word.  Too fancy makes you look like a tool, too casual makes you come off as sloppy and unprofessional.
   Appearance: I hate to have to say this, but take a shower, get a haircut, trim unsightly hairs, clean your nails, etc.  Make sure your nice clothes fit you and you look natural/comfortable in them.  Wear them out for a day a couple of times before going to the interview so you can find any trouble spots and learn how to eat without spilling things on them. Even in the frumpy fashion world of computer science, being at least able to wear a button-up shirt with non-tennis shoes can give you a leg up.
   Speech: Practice your answers – in front of a mirror or camera if you need.  You must spend a good bit of time going over and being able to talk well about every single thing on your resume.  Expect to be quizzed on it all.  Keep your speech light, be clear and concise, and show excitement.