Matt's Homepage

An amazing homily by Pope Leo XIV that describes just how radically different the interior life of a follower of Christ is from what the world teaches and perceives. Here’s some of the best bits, but the whole thing is worth listening too.

Our age is one of unprecedented sensitivity and unrelenting outrage. In the cultural moment we inhabit, to be offended is almost a virtue – a badge of honor. To express outrage is to signal moral clarity.

Saints did not seek vengeance, they did not get offended by the failures of others – because their lives were rooted in a different center. Their identity is not fragile because it is grounded not in ego, but in God. We are rooted in a deeper truth than the changing winds of human opinion and behavior.

It’s not indifference nor is it repression. It is not being numb or passive or weak. It is not merely psychological or about managing emotions or applying therapeutic strategies.

There is something almost otherworldly about a soul that has mastered the inner alchemy of turning offenses into peace. It is sanctity and nothing less than the imitation of Christ. It is the transformation of the soul so radical that only the grace of God can bring it to completion. We have been so thoroughly transformed by love that even offenses can become opportunities for communion.

³⁵ When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. ³⁶ And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. ³⁷ Above his head they placed the written charge against him: This is Jesus, the king of the Jews.

³⁸ Two rebels were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. ³⁹ Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads ⁴⁰ and saying, “You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!” ⁴¹ In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. ⁴² “He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself! He’s the king of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. ⁴³ He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” ⁴⁴ In the same way the rebels who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

⁴⁵ From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. ⁴⁶ About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).

⁵⁰ And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

Matthew 27:35-45

³⁹ One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

⁴⁰ But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹ We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

⁴² Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

⁴³ Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

⁴⁶ Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.

Luke 23:39-45

If there is one thing I have learned – it is that God doesn’t act the way we expect. We struggle and wait for prayers to be answered. Sometimes for years or even decades. Sometimes things get much worse the harder we pray and try. We wander through dark nights with no comfort.

² Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
³ My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

⁴ Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.
⁵ Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
    Who praises you from the grave?

⁶ I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
    and drench my couch with tears.
⁷ My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
    they fail because of all my foes.

Psalm 6

Many people will simply say they are turned off by organized religion. Some don’t see the value at all and just live as they like. Others like to say they are “spiritual but not religious’. Some like to point out that organized religions have scandals and are full of hypocrites. Wars have been carried out in the name of religions.

Like the mocking thief on the cross, some become angry because God doesn’t act the way we want or expect. Others dismiss God as too cruel. ‘I can’t believe in a God that lets people suffer or die. Why would a supposedly loving God do and allow all these things?’ Others mock and scoff people who follow God as repressed, brainwashed fools.

I cannot claim to have the answer for the mysteries of suffering. What I can say is that, believer or not, we all go through both good and difficult things in our lives. What we can do is share them with God and they can help transform ourselves and the world. In our everyday understanding, it is success that brings change into the world. Instead, God shows His power in that He can take what appears to be abject failure by all standards – and use it to completely change the world. Jesus died this way – abandoned and condemned to a shameful death. We can mock God in our struggles and gain nothing like the scoffing thief. Or we can ask Jesus into (even our own self-caused) tragedies and bring transformation and eternal good from them – if we just ask like the good thief on the cross.

This isn’t just academic. We have in Jesus someone that knows exactly what we’re going through. Before He was even born, His parents experienced an unwed, unplanned pregnancy. As a child, they had to flee for their lives and they lived as political refugees in Egypt. Joseph likely struggled trying to make a living as a refugee in a foreign land. They came from a poor, backward hick region of Israel held in low regard. Their country was conquered and under a brutal military dictatorship. Joseph was very likely a simple blue-collar worker with little education. Jesus public ministry was one of long days, low/no pay, rejection, sleeping wherever He was offered, and had no possessions other than what He carried. He likely slept outside on cold nights, went hungry and thirsty, and was exhausted by hot desert days. He barely escaped being killed in His own home town when He insulted them. His friends misunderstood and even betrayed and abandoned Him. He was rejected by the thought leaders and those in political and religious power. He was falsely accused, arrested, and sentenced to death under an invading military force. He was made a pawn in power games between the Jews and Romans.

Jesus knew what it meant to struggle. Almost every follower of God did. Abraham, Moses, Elisha, David. The world doesn’t understand because we misunderstand what true peace and eternal happiness really is.

The kind of peace and freedom that is the Kingdom of God doesn’t depend on what we are going through, how rich we are, how many people like or follow us on social media, or having the perfect family. It doesn’t depend on the madness or rejection of the world we find ourselves in. It’s an eternal peace in which our hearts rest in eternal love that is God. A peace this world cannot give – because nothing in this world is permanent.

This is just a part of the mystery of suffering.

Like the men crucified with Jesus, we can blame God and miss salvation right beside us. Or, we can humbly admit the truth in our lives, turn and ask Him to be with us as His friend, and find ourselves invited to eternal paradise.

——–

It was about 1 month to the day that I got the surgery results back from the labs. The prognosis came early afternoon via a phone call I almost didn’t take because the number was unfamiliar. It was my surgeon. They biopsies showed clear margins and the lymph nodes were clear – indicating there was no spread. There was no more need for treatment. No chemo. No radiation. He said that he only had 2-3 cases like mine – it was something of a miracle for as long as the tumors had likely been there.

We scheduled a follow up and hung up.

I cried.

I gave thanks to God for answered prayers. I remembered the story of the 10 lepers:

¹¹ Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. ¹² As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy^[a] met him. They stood at a distance ¹³ and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”

¹⁴ When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed.

¹⁵ One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. ¹⁶ He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

¹⁷ Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? ¹⁸ Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” ¹⁹ Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

Luke 17:11-19

I vowed the first decade of the rosary I prayed each day, I would recall and give thanks for the healing I had just received. I have done so ever since.

This day you have died, live as a new man

Marcus Aurelius

As I did this and continued to give thanks, I journeyed deeper in prayer – prayer that was based on the question, What’s next? How do I take advantage of these gift of a second chance. How was all this supposed to transform me or others?

I got some powerful challenges and some painful admonitions; I am still trying to sort them out. I have made concrete changes in my life and am re-evaluating where I am going for whatever time I have left. The cancer may return any time, but I believe there is still a lot more to this story and I am excited. I’m starting by re-doubling my efforts to walk each day with God and let Him run the show. My life ended that day. Time to live again in Christ.

To all this, cancer was a gift.

It was probably the best gift I have been given in the last 10 years. I realize it likely cut out years and years of laziness, floating through life in frivolous pursuits, and prideful self-indulgence. Now I have the opportunity to change course and again invite Christ into my soul every day. No matter how many more I get.

Every time I pray the rosary – this is just a little of what it means.

²⁶ As the soldiers led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus. ²⁷ A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. ²⁸ Jesus turned and said to them, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children.” 
³² Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed.

Luke 23:26-28,32

My surgery was super early on a Monday. I rented a hotel room by the hospital so we could go straight over around 5am. While driving out and to the hospital, I really became aware of everyone I was passing. People who were on a walk, drivers on their way to work, the gym, or a store. Moms in vans driving kids to school, and the most ordinary things we do without even thinking about them. I passed nurses/staff/visitors coming and going in the hospital parking lot. Their lives were just going on as they always had. Just another ordinary day with kids to wrangle, friends to visit, and chores to get done.

My life was being decided that day. I was going to be spending hours unconscious on a table in surgery. The next few days would be in the hospital. Maybe in pain, definitely recovering, and restarting my digestive system. There was even a (very) tiny chance I might not ever leave if the worst happened. Would the surgery be successful and get my cancer? My life depending on the success and skill of the surgeons.

The hospital staff got me ready in a flurry of activity in the surgery prep area. Before I knew it, it was time. We prayed together one last time and everyone wishing me well was left behind the surgery doors.

I will never forget when they wheeled me down that long, empty hall and into the surgery room alone. This was it. There was no more preparing, waiting, or wondering. Before – everything was just academic. This was reality. The time was now. Life and death depended on what happened in the next few hours.

But the world and everyone in it just kept going about their day.

—–

Jesus was being dragged to His death. Maybe Jesus knew for certain He was about to be killed or maybe He held out some hope that His Father would still save Him. As Jesus passed people through the streets He had walked since his childhood, He must have realized this was probably the last time He would walk this way.

It was still before noon in Jerusalem. Many people were likely going about their daily business. It’s likely many saw just another round of criminals being dragged out of the city by the Romans. Some may have given a passing glance and went about their day. Others may have just scoffed and moved on. What did I care about some criminals?

How could the world just keep going on like it was no big deal when the Lord of Life was about to die? Doesn’t anyone care what’s going on and someone is facing death?

The end comes for us all – but I realized in that hallway how quickly ‘someday’ becomes ‘right now’. When it comes, there is no more excuses or tomorrows. There is no more ‘someday I’ll get around to that’. The plans for the future end. The door shuts. And the shocking part – the world just keeps on going.

1. Consider the uncertainty as to the day of your death. One day your soul will quit this body–will it be in summer or winter? in town or country? by day or by night? will it be suddenly or with warning? will it be owing to sickness or an accident? will you have time to make your last confession or not? will your confessor or spiritual father be at hand or will he not? Alas, of all these things we know absolutely nothing: all that we do know is that die we shall, and for the most part sooner than we expect.
2. Consider that then the world is at end as far as you are concerned, there will be no more of it for you, it will be altogether overthrown for you, since all pleasures, vanities, worldly joys, empty delights will be as a mere fantastic vision to you. Woe is me, for what mere trifles and unrealities I have ventured to offend my God? Then you will see that what we preferred to Him was nought. But, on the other hand, all devotion and good works will then seem so precious and so sweet:–Why did I not tread that pleasant path? Then what you thought to be little sins will look like huge mountains, and your devotion will seem but a very little thing.
3. Consider the universal farewell which your soul will take of this world. It will say farewell to riches, pleasures, and idle companions; to amusements and pastimes, to friends and neighbours, to husband, wife and child, in short to all creation. And lastly it will say farewell to its own body, which it will leave pale and cold, to become repulsive in decay.
4. Consider how the survivors will hasten to put that body away, and hide it beneath the earth–and then the world will scarce give you another thought, or remember you, any more than you have done to those already gone. “God rest his soul!” men will say, and that is all. O death, how pitiless, how hard thou art!
5. Consider that when it quits the body the soul must go at once to the right hand or the left. To which will your soul go? what side will it take? none other, be sure, than that to which it had voluntarily drawn while yet in this world.

Introduction to the Devout Life – Fifth Meditation – On Death – Part I, Chapter 13 (St Francis De Sales)

If thinking back on all the famous people who have died hasn’t shown you already (Steve Jobs, Michael Jackson, Robin Williams, Kobe Bryant, 2Pac, and countless others) the world sure isn’t stopping for you – not matter how famous, rich, or powerful. All you need to do is go to an estate sale. I’m amazed time and again to see millionaire houses near my downtown NW home doing estate sales. I recently bought an extremely amazing, complete high end luxury dining set they probably spent $1000-$2000 on for $80. My friends and guests eat off them. Sculptures, art, high-end furniture, high end electronics – all sold for pennies on the dollar. By the end of the month, many of these houses are up for sale.

Jesus must have felt many of these things on that forced walk – I know I did.

Take that same walk down the hospital hall to the surgery room. Walk that street with Jesus the last time and know the end is now. What do you see about your life using God’s eyes?

¹⁰ The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.

Matthew 3:10

⁶ By their fruit you will recognize them. ¹⁹ Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

²¹ “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²² Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

Matthew 7:6,20-23

Did you live mostly for yourself, your own ideas of what is just and right, or spend most of your days pursuing your own plans – even if they are compassionate or ‘good’ things? Jesus tells us clearly that even if we’re ‘Mostly a good person’ and even if we did many good and great things, we may still find ourselves a stranger when we meet Jesus face to face. Instead, we know our friends by actually spending time and talking and living with Him day by day.

Do not wait until the end to find out you were on the wrong track the whole time. Jesus tells us it will be too late for many.

I certainly felt convicted for not a few things in my life.

Jesus doesn’t ask for great successes – Jesus looked like quite the opposite. Jesus looked like an abject failure. Jesus could have easily overthrown the Romans and shown his power to everyone. Yet, in following His Father’s will, He died in what looked to everyone as a complete failure. Sure, we should work for the kingdom, but if we’re largely pursuing our own ideas of what is great, just, fair, right – then we are almost certainly missing the kind of transformation of the world Jesus earned by being abandoned, beaten, and killed on a cross. In weakness you will find strength. God proves His love and power by transforming us even in disaster.

Jesus asks us to know Him day by day, to fall in love with Him who loves us so dearly, and find freedom and transformation in following the will of God in our lives.

Jesus, whether it is this time or in the future, I’m going to make this final walk just as you did. I trust in you and your gift of forgiveness. Help me to get up and carry my cross with you every day. To know I walk in your Father’s will is all I need. Send me a Simon to help if I need it. Help me to be Simon for someone else. May your name be praised forever and always because of your daily gifts of grace and forgiveness. Do not let me waste those gifts today nor be lost in my weakness. Lord Jesus, I trust in you. Have mercy on me a sinner.

²⁷ Then the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. ²⁸ They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, ²⁹ and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand. Then they knelt in front of him and mocked him. “Hail, king of the Jews!” they said. ³⁰ They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. ³¹ After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.

Matthew 27:27-31

The Romans were going to have some fun with these Jewish leaders. These people are beaten and conquered. They annoy us with strange beliefs, have rebellious uprisings – and we defeat them every time. Here’s this guy claiming He is a king? Those Jewish leaders want Jesus killed – partly out of jealousy since Jesus has become popular and threatening their authority. He’s trying to declare Himself king – so lets do it for them and show these Jewish leaders what we think of their conquered kingdom. We’ll dress Him like a king. We’ll beat him, laugh at him, give him a bloody crown, and drag him around in front of them so they can think of what we think of them.

I think almost all of us have been targets of preconceived generalizations or being made the fall guy. More vicious people love to kick a man when he’s down or ‘make examples’ of others. We have almost certainly been targets of this kind of hate: boomers, millennials, because of our skin color or gender, Christians/Jews/Muslims or other religious believers, people who follow a particular political party, immigrants, white or blue collar workers, people from other countries, people who do certain jobs. Oh – you think you’re immune from bigotry towards others? I’ve met self-proclaimed ‘compassionate’ people that mocked those that died in the Titan sub implosion because they were just a bunch of rich people, or would be glad to see politician X dead – because they are ‘wrong’ and I have a right to physically attack people who are ‘wrong’. Ask what you think of people and leaders in the political party least aligned to your worldview. Is it all vitriol and hate? Do you acknowledge evil, but yet can see past sin to the child of God trying to get out? Are you sitting as judge over them?

I reflected on my attitudes towards others.

I thankfully didn’t experience any direct examples of people mocking or taking advantage of my predicament but I bet we’ve all met people that couldn’t care less if their parent, a coworker, an acquaintance, or public figure was seriously ill. Some hate others so much they can’t wait for the day – and some even tell them so. Business partners or competitors might use our weaknesses and illnesses as an opportunity. Climbing coworkers might try to squeeze you out to get ahead during your illness. Am I one of those people?

How do we treat others – especially those we disagree with politically, in our families, in our friends and coworkers, in society? Am I guilty of ‘making an example’ of someone by my daily attitudes/actions or placing stumbling blocks in other’s way? Do I help the new coworker, the homeless, widow, or stranger outside my door – or mock or spit on them? Do I harbor anger towards people of a political persuasion? It is not my job to judge. Jesus tells me it is my job simply to preach the Truth, invite always, and let God do the judging. When we judge others – we become hypocrites because we have plenty of sin in our own lives. We have the mission to go and preach to all nations – leave the judging to God.

I reflected on my close relationships.

I do regularly connected with friends and loved ones over dinners, happy hours, and phone calls for those more distant ones. I’m grateful for my family and friends – and thankful for the time they took to listen/etc. If we live a life of loving others, we collect a family of love. The more hard we are in our judgement of others, the more we simply spend time on ourselves, the smaller that family of love is.

God is trying to build a family of love with us and all those around us: family, friends, coworkers, people we meet in the street. Are we trying to be a living member? Doing our part? Spending time together?

Is there anyone I had not made amends with? Harboring old hurts? Grudges? Anger? I try to remind myself that anyone, maybe everyone, I meet during even the smallest part of the day could be someone I’m about to spend eternity with in Heaven.

²¹ “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,^[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ ²² But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister^[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’^[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:21-23

There can be absolutely no evil (grudges, hate, anger, sore feelings, etc) between them and myself. Time to hit confession, reach out, and be reconciled. Time to re-evaluate those that anger me in my day and my attitudes towards them.

Lord, help me to see and correct when I put a crown of thorns on others because of hurts or disagreements. Help me root out my own bigotry and pre-conceptions of others. Instead, make me a channel and example of love and conversion for all.

2 years ago, I saw the words nobody wants to read on what was supposed to be a routine checkup.

Cancer

I got notification of test result at 4:45pm on a Friday afternoon. It was a normal screening procedure that I had almost forgotten about. They had only one sample to send in as a precaution. I was getting ready to go to a fun social event in an hour, so I decided to check it out since I had the time. There it was, in black and white, a report that clearly found cancer. Half-dazed, I read through the biopsy report dozens of times and looked up everything in the report to understand it. A clearly not good spread level and other characteristics that could not be denied. By the time I read the report – it was already after 5pm and my doctor’s office was closed. I called and left a message with my number.

There was little else to do but go to the social event and enjoy being with friends. I tried to enjoy myself but didn’t mention anything. Maybe this was all a mistake – or the wrong patient. Mistakes can happen. After playing phone tag until Sunday, I was finally in contact with my doctor. There was no mistake. He was referring me to the oncologist. I scheduled the appointments and started telling those close to me.

As all cancer patients will tell you – what comes next is a whirlwind of shock, tests, insurance calls, and doctors appointments. All the while you wonder – how bad is it? What stage of cancer do I have? Has it spread? Will I survive? I read up on as much as I could.

To answer those questions, you take lots of tests. A CT scan was scheduled, but waiting 2 weeks for a scan felt like forever. I called the poor CT scan scheduler each morning about cancelations. Within 5 days I got a slot. A day later, I was informed it did not seem the initial cancer had obviously spread – but there was something odd on one kidney that would require an MRI to resolve. Another scheduled appointment, and more waiting. I got in to my MRI and got the scan. I was halfway home when my phone notified me a result was already back. I got off the interstate and parked along the road and read the report.

Kidney cancer

Really? 2 cancers? At the same time? I remember almost laughing while talking to God. Really? We’re going to do this? Well – if this is it for me – then Lord, please make this mean something or do some good for someone.

More oncologists, more doctors visits, preparing time off from work, more planning. It took me about 2 months until all the surgical teams could be arranged with the special new robotic surgery devices they required. Surgery would be the first week of January 2023.

All during the run-up to the surgery, it was a lot of waiting and praying. It was also Advent – a season of anticipation of the arrival of Jesus in the darkness of death. I was going to daily mass, praying extra every day, arranged an anointing of the sick, and a did a general confession. But it was during the rosary that I began to find a special connection – to the sorrowful mysteries.

Each week on Sunday, I’ll try to post what each mystery taught me.

9 For this reason also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:9)

This video from Fr Bill Casey spawned some reflection time for me.

Jesus knew all too well the foibles of his apostles. Most of them really did not understand Jesus nor his mission. They fought over who would be ranked highest. They misunderstood many of his teachings. They don’t even believe it when he was resurrected.

9 Jesus replied, “Philip, I have been with you all this time, and still you do not know Me?” (John 14:9)

You can’t exactly blame them. Most people expected the messiah to be like King David. A conqueror who would overthrow all of Israel’s enemies with military might. Instead of overthrowing the Romans, nobody expected him to willfully die one of the most humiliating and painful deaths met out by the Romans: crucifixion. Instead of an earthly kingdom – Jesus’ kingdom was going to overthrow evil on the hardest battleground of them all: the human heart.

But what about Judas? The gospel of John says that it was known that Judas, who held the group’s money, used to steal some of it for himself. His character was doubious:

4 But Judas Iscariot, one of His disciples, the one who intended to betray Him, *said, 5 “Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii and the proceeds given to poor people?” 6 Now he said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief, and as he kept the money box, he used to steal from what was put into it. (John 12:4)

It could be as Fr Casey says. Jesus may have chosen Judas to be show us that scandals and betrayal will come even from his closest followers. It is true. The Church is made of frail human beings. People are prone to sin, even those in the Church. One does not have to look far to see sexual abuse scandals or the countless other political, financial scandals in the 2000 years of Church history.

Woe to the world because of things that cause sin! Such things must come, but woe to the one through whom they come! (Matthew 18:7)

But there is another side to sin: God’s infinite mercy. Jesus tells us he was not sent to condemn the world, but to find the lost sheep. While we live, there is still time for each of us to change:

12 If any man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains, and go and search for the one that is lost? 13 And if it turns out that he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that have not gone astray. 14 So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven for one of these little ones to perish. (Matthew 18:12)

The Father does not seem to desire for anyone to be lost. Jesus will seek us out no matter how far we run or hide. No matter what bramble or snare we have caught ourselves in. He is abounding in infinite love. He asks us to die to ourselves and so die with him to be born again in new life.

I believe Judas could likely have found forgiveness – if he had sought it. Why? Because every one of Jesus’ apostles ran away when he was arrested. Peter denied him 3 times when he promised to die with him just a few hours before. Maybe not as directly as Judas, but they all betrayed Jesus in some way.

74 Then he began to curse and swear, “I do not know the man!” And immediately a rooster crowed. 75 And Peter remembered the statement that Jesus had made: “Before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly. (Matthew 26:74)

The difference is, Peter and the other disciples came back to be reconciled. Peter found his reconciliation after he lost hope and returned to fishing. Along the shore, Jesus directed them to a huge catch of fish and then 3 times asked Peter if he loved him. For the 3 denials, Peter made 3 confessions of love. For this, he was reconciled to Jesus – and became the foundation of the Church.

Judas, on the other hand, did not return to Jesus. Maybe Judas tried to turn Jesus over to the authorities in order to force Him to start the uprising he hoped for against the Romans. Maybe he didn’t believe in Jesus as messiah, but as the political revolutionary Judas wanted. Maybe he thought he was next to be rounded up and crucified by the Jewish leaders so he decided to kill himself instead of bearing crucifixion. The other disciples were also hiding for the same reasons.

The wild thing is that whether we seek Jesus’ mercy or not – we will become a sign. Scripture tells us EVERYONE will bear witness to the truth of what Jesus taught – even those that deny it. At the last judgement all nations will be brought before the Lord and every secret of our lives will be laid bare to everyone. The ones that believed and lived in truth and light will bear witness to the beauty of God – the ones that denied Jesus will be a witness to living in the darkness they preferred:

11 Then I saw a great white throne and the One seated on it. Earth and heaven fled from His presence, and no place was found for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne.

And there were open books, and one of them was the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their deeds, as recorded in the books. 13 The sea gave up its dead, and Death and Hades gave up their dead, and each one was judged according to his deeds. (Revelation 20:11)

If we betray, ignore, or abandon Jesus – what happens is up to us. Do we choose to be Peter or Judas? Even if we have made a life of mistakes, if we turn ourselves over to Jesus, our lives can be an eternal testament to Jesus’ mercy to the most hardened sinner. If we turn away from Jesus out of fear or believing ourselves unworthy – then I believe the pains of hell will be knowing all we needed to do was turn to Jesus during our life and ask for his forgiveness and to turn our hearts over to Him.

Be not afraid. Read about Jesus’ mercy in the bible, or in St Faustina’s writings about Jesus Divine Mercy. In the apparitions to Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque, Jesus made several promises, one of which is: “Sinners shall find in My Heart the source of an infinite ocean of mercy“.

You are so close to ending a life tied to the mistakes of your past, your fears or regrets, pains or emptiness – to a life of freedom and forgiveness and grace to start anew.

“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.”—Turkish proverb

You simply must do as Peter did. Tell Jesus you love him and ask for the forgiveness Jesus waits to offer you. Sit with me and do as Jesus tell us:

Lord Jesus, you are the infinite ocean of mercy. No matter the mistakes I have made, the pain I have caused, or the unworthiness I feel, I trust in your promise to come to the lost sheep. Your grace has overcome all sin and wrong in the world. I come to you now, a simple person who has made mistakes and give you my heart. I trust in the promise – bathe me in the infinite ocean of your mercy and make me a sign of your love and forgiveness in the world. Lord Jesus, I trust in you.

Pick up your cross and carry it – or you become one for everyone else