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Cancer and Sorrowful Mystery #2 – The Scourging at the Pillar

Cancer and Sorrowful Mystery #2 – The Scourging at the Pillar

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1 Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged.

John 19:1

Late in the night (possibly around midnight) while Jesus is praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, a group of guards arrive with weapons to arrest Jesus. All of Jesus disciples become afraid and ran away – even Peter who just a few hours earlier said he would rather die than betray Jesus. Jesus is dragged to the house of the high priest Caiaphas. A place that is still known today with a high degree of certainty:

In front of a Kangaroo court hastily convened in the middle of the night by His own Jewish leaders, Jesus is put on trial. They bring false witnesses and attempted to trap Him so they could put Him to death. They want to maintain both their authority over their own people and the precarious peace they have with the conquering Romans. After what is assuredly hours of grilling, they condemned Jesus when He says that the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the Power.

Early morning, Jesus is dragged before the local Roman governor Pilot and questioned. He’s brought out to the crowd. Exhorted by the temple officials, the crowd calls for Jesus’ death. In an attempt to calm the crowds, Pilot takes Jesus and has him beaten severely – by scourging.

What can one say? First, how alone and abandoned Jesus must have felt. Just earlier in the week, Jesus entered Jerusalem to people cheering in the streets with palms and songs. He had spent the entire previous day celebrating Passover with His beloved disciples – including the events of the Last Supper. All of them were gone. They ran away when He was arrested. Peter denied Him just hours after saying he would willingly die with Jesus. Judas literally betrays Him with a kiss. The temple officials were trying to get Jesus sentenced to death at a rigged trial in the middle of the night. Not one person came to his defense. The first lashes came from those he loved and was trying to save.

Jesus was almost certainly physically and emotionally drained. He had participated in a day full of Passover celebrations they day before. He went to the garden to pray around midnight and the other disciples fell asleep. He was arrested, dragged to court in the middle of the night, and put on trial. He’d likely been up for around 30 hours.

Now he is scourged in an attempt to appease the crowds. Historians note that not everyone even survived a Roman scourging. The beating is severe and bloody. The man who others was just days before greeted as Hosanna is now stripped and beaten with a scourge whip. These whips had multiple cords with bits of bone or metal attached. Lacerations were deep – exposing sliced flesh down to the muscle or even the bone. Victims who survived were often half-alive when this was finished. Even contemporaries like Cicero considered it the most extreme and cruel form of punishment.

—–

I knew what was coming. I drove here and there to many doctor’s appointments to get my verdict. I lost count the number of needles I had in me over the next few weeks (I hate needles). I got painful physical exams, colonoscopies, CT and MRI scans with nasty-tasting marker dye drinks, x-rays, unpleasant diets, and medications. I had very difficult conversations about survival rates and treatment options. None of this was anywhere near what Jesus was experiencing physically; but none of it was pleasant. It was a little bit of physical scourging. Despite all the supportive friends and family – you do feel alone with these verdicts. It was in those moments that I definitely felt the presence of Jesus. I talked pretty directly with him about what was going on. Reflecting on what he went through – he knew all too well what getting grim news was like.

They say you learn who your true friends are when things go wrong. Jesus was abandoned and even betrayed by his own followers when He was arrested. I was blessed to have a supportive girlfriend, coworkers, friends, family, and faith community to share the journey. I gave thanks to God for that. But there is, however, nobody that can live a possibly terminal illness diagnosis but you.

Even if the room is full of family and friends – it is you alone who is going to walk through that door to eternity.

Emotionally, I woke up every morning and sometimes my first thought was that this had just been a bad dream. Maybe now that I’m awake it would be gone – only to have reality come flooding back in.

My future plans were ripped away. Who doesn’t make plans for the coming year, our career, our relationships? In the blink of an eye, long-term plans are pulled away. I should have known better. We all know things end, but we tell ourselves that day will be a long way off. It’s a dangerous trap.

2 I will praise the Lord all my life;
    I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
3 Do not put your trust in princes,
    in human beings, who cannot save.
4 When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
    on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Psalm 146

When you strip away the temporary things of this life that will all be left behind when you die – you quickly realize the only thing that matters is your relationship with Jesus. You will be stripped of the trappings and the stinging truth laid bare.

1. Consider the uncertainty as to the day of your death. One day your soul will quit this body–will it be in summer or winter? in town or country? by day or by night? Will it be suddenly or with warning? Will it be owing to sickness or an accident? Will you have time to make your last confession or not? Will your confessor or spiritual father be at hand or will he not? Alas, of all these things we know absolutely nothing: all that we do know is that die we shall, and for the most part sooner than we expect.

2. Consider that then the world is at end as far as you are concerned, there will be no more of it for you, it will be altogether overthrown for you, since all pleasures, vanities, worldly joys, empty delights will be as a mere fantastic vision to you. Woe is me, for what mere trifles and unrealities I have ventured to offend my God? Then you will see that what we preferred to Him was nought. But, on the other hand, all devotion and good works will then seem so precious and so sweet:–Why did I not tread that pleasant path? Then what you thought to be little sins will look like huge mountains, and your devotion will seem but a very little thing.

3. Consider the universal farewell which your soul will take of this world. It will say farewell to riches, pleasures, and idle companions; to amusements and pastimes, to friends and neighbours, to husband, wife and child, in short to all creation. And lastly it will say farewell to its own body, which it will leave pale and cold, to become repulsive in decay.

4. Consider how the survivors will hasten to put that body away, and hide it beneath the earth–and then the world will scarce give you another thought, or remember you, any more than you have done to those already gone. “God rest his soul!” men will say, and that is all. O death, how pitiless, how hard thou art!

5. Consider that when it quits the body the soul must go at once to the right hand or the left. To which will your soul go? what side will it take? none other, be sure, than that to which it had voluntarily drawn while yet in this world.

Introduction to the Devout Life – St Francis DeSales, Pt1, ch 13

How is your daily relationship with Jesus? Are you ready to stand before Him with what you did with the gift of your life? Do you have sins that have crept into your life or have unforgiveness in any relationships? Have you forgiven even those who were happy to hurt you?

Have I grown complacent and let distraction enter my life? Have the cares/concerns/plans I am making in this world choking the Word in my life so I spend more of my day following my own plans instead of talking with and following Jesus?

34 “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap. 35 For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth. 

Luke 21:34

The good news is you can turn again today. Do not wait! Jesus is an infinite ocean of mercy – but we must ask Him for forgiveness and turn again to follow Him. We must do it now – because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Do not let the day catch you like a thief in the night. Time is much shorter than we think, and when it is over there is no more time to fix wrongs or seek reconciliation.

25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

Matthew 5:25-26

I spent a lot of time searching my soul with Christ and found serious gaps. I scheduled a general confession and the sacramental Anointing of the Sick. I asked for my friends and family to pray for me – and I prayed for them.

Lord Jesus, strip away from me the sins and lies I have wrapped myself in and the false comforts that have made me slow and tepid. Fill me with the Spirit of conversion so I may turn to you once again with my whole heart.

Cancer and Sorrowful Mystery #1 – The Agony in the Garden

Cancer and Sorrowful Mystery #1 – The Agony in the Garden

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36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Matthew 26:36-39

When faced with cancer and prayed the rosary, I immediately related to this passage. Is this really what must happen? Is this really the end? Why are things happening this way? Can you take this cup away from me?

I’m afraid and distraught. I know that pain and suffering are coming. What pain would I endure? Would I have major surgery? Would treatment leave me debilitated or handicapped in some way? If it didn’t work – would I still be facing a slow, painful death even after all the treatments?

Jesus knew what was coming and had publicly predicted his death many times – but now the time is here and it is crushing Him. There was comfort knowing that I could take all these things and bring them to Jesus – who knew exactly how hard facing death was. Especially when it seemed there must be some other way. Surely the Father could think of another way? Why would God let this happen?

Jesus could have brought down a legion of angels, raised and fed an army, and even brought back the dead. He could easily have overthrown the invading Romans, shown his glory to the temple officials, and become a ruler of the world. He would be the greatest ruler Israel, and the world, had ever known. Instead, he allowed himself to be betrayed and captured, falsely convicted by the leaders of His own people, sentenced to death, and given over to one of the most brutal and humiliating criminal deaths in the Roman Empire.

Instead, the kingdom of God was going to be brought about in whole new way. We, his humble creations and children, were going to be participate with the Trinity itself. We wouldn’t just witness to the acts of God like in the past – God wants to dwell in and work through us. God wants to adopt heirs as sons and daughters. God wants us to participate in His plans by being part of them. This great mystery is one the greatest saints and apostles have written about. Yet, even the most humble person in the world is given this invitation now – precisely because Jesus died for our sins so the Spirit could be sent to live in each of us.

Maybe Jesus knew all of this, but maybe He was simply obedient and trusted in the Father’s plans. Jesus trusted His Father’s plans would be even better than anything Jesus could do Himself – even conquering the entire world. In the end, Jesus simply said, “Not my will, but yours be done.” and in doing so – became the King of Kings who redeemed each of us and will reign forever:

6 Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits[a] of God sent out into all the earth. 7 He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. 8 And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. 9 And they sang a new song, saying:

“You are worthy to take the scroll
    and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
    and with your blood you purchased for God
    persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.
10 You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
    and they will reign[b] on the earth.”

Revelation 5:6-10

There was nothing for it but to pray and know the Father can make my suffering mean something. I knew that even if this end looked completely futile, God could use it to help the world. I told Jesus I wanted to unite what I was experiencing with what he surely had to feel in Gethsemane. I prayed I might find healing and the cup may pass me over – but not my will but yours be done Father. If I were to die, I asked God to make some good come from it for someone. We are all going to die – we can let God make it mean something. God can bring purpose and meaning to even the worst tragedies in our lives.

Not my will Father, but yours be done.

Sorrowful Mysteries as a cancer journey

Sorrowful Mysteries as a cancer journey

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2 years ago, I saw the words nobody wants to read on what was supposed to be a routine checkup.

Cancer

I got notification of test result at 4:45pm on a Friday afternoon. It was a normal screening procedure that I had almost forgotten about. They had only one sample to send in as a precaution. I was getting ready to go to a fun social event in an hour, so I decided to check it out since I had the time. There it was, in black and white, a report that clearly found cancer. Half-dazed, I read through the biopsy report dozens of times and looked up everything in the report to understand it. A clearly not good spread level and other characteristics that could not be denied. By the time I read the report – it was already after 5pm and my doctor’s office was closed. I called and left a message with my number.

There was little else to do but go to the social event and enjoy being with friends. I tried to enjoy myself but didn’t mention anything. Maybe this was all a mistake – or the wrong patient. Mistakes can happen. After playing phone tag until Sunday, I was finally in contact with my doctor. There was no mistake. He was referring me to the oncologist. I scheduled the appointments and started telling those close to me.

As all cancer patients will tell you – what comes next is a whirlwind of shock, tests, insurance calls, and doctors appointments. All the while you wonder – how bad is it? What stage of cancer do I have? Has it spread? Will I survive? I read up on as much as I could.

To answer those questions, you take lots of tests. A CT scan was scheduled, but waiting 2 weeks for a scan felt like forever. I called the poor CT scan scheduler each morning about cancelations. Within 5 days I got a slot. A day later, I was informed it did not seem the initial cancer had obviously spread – but there was something odd on one kidney that would require an MRI to resolve. Another scheduled appointment, and more waiting. I got in to my MRI and got the scan. I was halfway home when my phone notified me a result was already back. I got off the interstate and parked along the road and read the report.

Kidney cancer

Really? 2 cancers? At the same time? I remember almost laughing while talking to God. Really? We’re going to do this? Well – if this is it for me – then Lord, please make this mean something or do some good for someone.

More oncologists, more doctors visits, preparing time off from work, more planning. It took me about 2 months until all the surgical teams could be arranged with the special new robotic surgery devices they required. Surgery would be the first week of January 2023.

All during the run-up to the surgery, it was a lot of waiting and praying. It was also Advent – a season of anticipation of the arrival of Jesus in the darkness of death. I was going to daily mass, praying extra every day, arranged an anointing of the sick, and a did a general confession. But it was during the rosary that I began to find a special connection – to the sorrowful mysteries.

Each week on Sunday, I’ll try to post what each mystery taught me.

All will glorify God

All will glorify God

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9 For this reason also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:9)

This video from Fr Bill Casey spawned some reflection time for me.

Jesus knew all too well the foibles of his apostles. Most of them really did not understand Jesus nor his mission. They fought over who would be ranked highest. They misunderstood many of his teachings. They don’t even believe it when he was resurrected.

9 Jesus replied, “Philip, I have been with you all this time, and still you do not know Me?” (John 14:9)

You can’t exactly blame them. Most people expected the messiah to be like King David. A conqueror who would overthrow all of Israel’s enemies with military might. Instead of overthrowing the Romans, nobody expected him to willfully die one of the most humiliating and painful deaths met out by the Romans: crucifixion. Instead of an earthly kingdom – Jesus’ kingdom was going to overthrow evil on the hardest battleground of them all: the human heart.

But what about Judas? The gospel of John says that it was known that Judas, who held the group’s money, used to steal some of it for himself. His character was doubious:

4 But Judas Iscariot, one of His disciples, the one who intended to betray Him, *said, 5 “Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii and the proceeds given to poor people?” 6 Now he said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief, and as he kept the money box, he used to steal from what was put into it. (John 12:4)

It could be as Fr Casey says. Jesus may have chosen Judas to be show us that scandals and betrayal will come even from his closest followers. It is true. The Church is made of frail human beings. People are prone to sin, even those in the Church. One does not have to look far to see sexual abuse scandals or the countless other political, financial scandals in the 2000 years of Church history.

Woe to the world because of things that cause sin! Such things must come, but woe to the one through whom they come! (Matthew 18:7)

But there is another side to sin: God’s infinite mercy. Jesus tells us he was not sent to condemn the world, but to find the lost sheep. While we live, there is still time for each of us to change:

12 If any man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains, and go and search for the one that is lost? 13 And if it turns out that he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that have not gone astray. 14 So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven for one of these little ones to perish. (Matthew 18:12)

The Father does not seem to desire for anyone to be lost. Jesus will seek us out no matter how far we run or hide. No matter what bramble or snare we have caught ourselves in. He is abounding in infinite love. He asks us to die to ourselves and so die with him to be born again in new life.

I believe Judas could likely have found forgiveness – if he had sought it. Why? Because every one of Jesus’ apostles ran away when he was arrested. Peter denied him 3 times when he promised to die with him just a few hours before. Maybe not as directly as Judas, but they all betrayed Jesus in some way.

74 Then he began to curse and swear, “I do not know the man!” And immediately a rooster crowed. 75 And Peter remembered the statement that Jesus had made: “Before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly. (Matthew 26:74)

The difference is, Peter and the other disciples came back to be reconciled. Peter found his reconciliation after he lost hope and returned to fishing. Along the shore, Jesus directed them to a huge catch of fish and then 3 times asked Peter if he loved him. For the 3 denials, Peter made 3 confessions of love. For this, he was reconciled to Jesus – and became the foundation of the Church.

Judas, on the other hand, did not return to Jesus. Maybe Judas tried to turn Jesus over to the authorities in order to force Him to start the uprising he hoped for against the Romans. Maybe he didn’t believe in Jesus as messiah, but as the political revolutionary Judas wanted. Maybe he thought he was next to be rounded up and crucified by the Jewish leaders so he decided to kill himself instead of bearing crucifixion. The other disciples were also hiding for the same reasons.

The wild thing is that whether we seek Jesus’ mercy or not – we will become a sign. Scripture tells us EVERYONE will bear witness to the truth of what Jesus taught – even those that deny it. At the last judgement all nations will be brought before the Lord and every secret of our lives will be laid bare to everyone. The ones that believed and lived in truth and light will bear witness to the beauty of God – the ones that denied Jesus will be a witness to living in the darkness they preferred:

11 Then I saw a great white throne and the One seated on it. Earth and heaven fled from His presence, and no place was found for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne.

And there were open books, and one of them was the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their deeds, as recorded in the books. 13 The sea gave up its dead, and Death and Hades gave up their dead, and each one was judged according to his deeds. (Revelation 20:11)

If we betray, ignore, or abandon Jesus – what happens is up to us. Do we choose to be Peter or Judas? Even if we have made a life of mistakes, if we turn ourselves over to Jesus, our lives can be an eternal testament to Jesus’ mercy to the most hardened sinner. If we turn away from Jesus out of fear or believing ourselves unworthy – then I believe the pains of hell will be knowing all we needed to do was turn to Jesus during our life and ask for his forgiveness and to turn our hearts over to Him.

Be not afraid. Read about Jesus’ mercy in the bible, or in St Faustina’s writings about Jesus Divine Mercy. In the apparitions to Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque, Jesus made several promises, one of which is: “Sinners shall find in My Heart the source of an infinite ocean of mercy“.

You are so close to ending a life tied to the mistakes of your past, your fears or regrets, pains or emptiness – to a life of freedom and forgiveness and grace to start anew.

“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.”—Turkish proverb

You simply must do as Peter did. Tell Jesus you love him and ask for the forgiveness Jesus waits to offer you. Sit with me and do as Jesus tell us:

Lord Jesus, you are the infinite ocean of mercy. No matter the mistakes I have made, the pain I have caused, or the unworthiness I feel, I trust in your promise to come to the lost sheep. Your grace has overcome all sin and wrong in the world. I come to you now, a simple person who has made mistakes and give you my heart. I trust in the promise – bathe me in the infinite ocean of your mercy and make me a sign of your love and forgiveness in the world. Lord Jesus, I trust in you.

Odds on the next pope

Odds on the next pope

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The College of Cardinals is gathering in the Sistine chapel and soon the papal conclave will convene to elect the next pope. They’ll leave their cell phones behind and go into isolation for prayer, discussions, and voting.

The papal conclave has it’s roots all the way back to how the original bishops were elected by the apostles – but has undergone a long and storied history to fight everything from political meddling to setting age limits of who is to be elected.

For the faithful, it’s a time for prayer and fasting, which is probably why you don’t get quite the media circus of a presidential election. I know I have been praying the Church gets a worthy and wonderful pope in these rocky global times.

For those with a more speculative propensity, Sportsbook Review has the current odds on who the next pope will be. It appears to live update, so check back often if you want to know who’s in the lead.

Here are the odds for the top 10 candidates who could be named the next pope via Sports Interaction in Ontario. Odds as of Thursday, May 1. (If you’re in the U.S., you can make predictions on the next pope via Kalshi)

  • Pietro Parolin (+225)
  • Luis Antonio Tagle (+300)
  • Matteo Zuppi (+550)
  • Peter Turkson (+600)
  • Robert Sarah (+700)
  • Pierbattista Pizzaballa (+1000)
  • Peter Erdo (+1100)
  • Raymond Leo Burke (+2000)
  • Reinhard Marx (+2500)
  • Kevin Farrell (+2500)
Heaven is a place of radical, unminimize truth

Heaven is a place of radical, unminimize truth

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It’s hard for us to conceptualize heaven, but we do know from saints and scripture that it is a place of complete fulfilment. That there are no secrets and all live in light and truth that is god.

But think about that: there are no secrets. You live in truth.

We also know that what we have done here on earth affects our experience of heaven. Those that have proven faithful will shine like the stars. Some that are last will be first, and some first shall be last. There will be distinctions – based on how we lived.

But think deeper – this means that every single person in this world we have encountered may be there. That at the last judgement, the nations will be laid out before the lord and we will all confront everyone in our lives we dealt with. Those we loved, those we hurt, those we cheated, the hard words we said, the lies we told about others, or even those we might have killed. If we expect to enter into heaven – where they may be – everything must be resolved and put right.

Do you live a life of hidden habits and behaviors? Hidden words? Hidden actions? Hidden infidelity? Do you live today with perfect honesty with those you love? Are your business deals honest and fair? Is there anything you do or say during the day you wouldn’t want EVERYONE to know? What if everyone knew your finances? How you conduct your business deals? How you pay or treat your workers? All of this will be on display to everyone – especially those it affects most.

If any of that makes you uncomfortable, then it’s time to evaluate your life and those actions. Because they must all be set aright before you can enter heaven.

The Secret to Real Happiness

The Secret to Real Happiness

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The struggle to a good Lent is not to do more, it’s to do less. As you free up space in your heart from the things you’re attached to, God and his love for you can get in and fill the voids you’re filling with everything else.

Have you gotten tired of fighting the world? Struggling to get that amazing job, that big promotion, the house, the fancy car, that perfect trip with Instagrams to make everyone jealous? Grown tired of news that has nothing but doom and outrage? The job/coworker/boss that gets you down? The family member or relationship that just doesn’t seem to be working or has gone sour? Yet it never seems enough. We know that just like the last big thing we got – we’ll soon be looking for the next thing. The slog just sort of…keeps going but we’re not any more happy.

I was in adoration and thinking about what I was going to do for Lent – and things I had done in past Lent times.

When I was very young, I did things because my parents told me too. I certainly didn’t see any value in giving something up or having to have fasting days. I did it out of obedience. It felt like dragging big buckets of water up a hill. It wasn’t fun and I didn’t think I learned much more out of it than sacrifice, like going to the gym, was hard work. It certainly wasn’t something I wanted to dedicate my life too. Those saints were masochists.

As I got older, I saw my religious practices very much like going to the gym. I knew I needed to do it to stay healthy and in shape, but it sure wasn’t fun. I was still dragging each bucket of water up the hill – huffing and puffing all the way. All trying to do it with my own strength and willpower. Like a lot of gym memberships in February, I wasn’t very successful some years.

After experiencing a great spiritual awakening during my opening years of adulthood, I embraced spiritual growth much more fervently. I had fallen in love with the Spirt and Jesus – but was pretty misguided at times. I spent large amounts of my energy doing lots of activities. Some of them, especially the ones where I connected with others, were very rewarding. Prayer was exceptionally rewarding – I discovered (as Teresa of Ávila said) I could just sit with Jesus wordlessly and experience his deep, abiding love. But I was still very focused on the ‘doing’ part of my faith life. It lead me to always questioning if I was doing what I should be doing and wasting a lot of time on things I thought I should be doing (volunteering for things, speaking out for things, getting involved in projects, etc). It’s not like these weren’t good things – they certainly were. But like before (and the gift of hindsight), many times I ended up pursuing my goals, my ideas, and again, doing them with my strength.

This Lent a visiting priest said something very powerful that finally opened a new door of insight. As I sat reflecting on it in adoration; a wisdom swept over my understanding. His statement was simply this:

The key to a happy marriage, happy priesthood, or whatever our vocation – is to always be making more and more room for Jesus so he can fill the gaps we open up with his kind of love, understanding, and way of life. That is what picking up our cross every day and following Jesus means.

Taking up your cross/Lenten penances are not willfully deciding that you’re going to do a bunch of good deeds that day, deny yourself everything but bread and water, or found a new religious order. That’s more dragging heavy buckets up the hill.

It’s flipped, reverse it. Instead of trying to lift heavy burdens and fighting a behavior, you must simply name that part inside yourself at each moment and invite Jesus, who can heal every disease, in to each area of your heart as you go through your day. You are not fighting against the injustice/disappointments/expectations out there in the world, you are quietly and constantly living with your friend Jesus in your heart more and more. Listening to his quiet voice in each encounter – walking with Jesus every moment of our day.

It’s astounding. It’s so obvious. Anyone who has tried will find they usually cannot change the world around us – all we can certainly change is ourselves. We don’t have to figure out how to beat our impatience – Jesus, who can cure every illness and heal any heart – already knows how with a word. We have the simple part. All we need to do is hold it out there and make it a moment of encounter with Jesus. This is why the man in the temple who simply said, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner” left justified, and the Pharisee who was doing it through his own willpower actually wasn’t connecting with God at all. He didn’t need God.

If you are impatient, it’s not about trying to make yourself be more patient. It’s about recognizing when it’s lacking and using that moment to step back, prayerfully connect to Jesus, and make it a moment the two of you can laugh together at the absurdity of our lives. It’s not a slog of fighting against the frustration of an old lady counting out each coin one at a time at the checkout, it’s inviting your deepest lover into that new corner of your heart. Until there is nothing left but intimate love that fills every part of you.

You can walk through the day and do this constantly. In this way, we walk through every moment of the day and each and every moment can be an encounter with our lover. This is why saints saw struggles as moments to be treasured. This is why they sought out great penances at times – because it helped them find the corners of their hearts that were still troubling them from being at peace.

In the 1500s St. Charles Borromeo was the Archbishop of Milan.  He and couple of other priests were playing a game of billiards.  While the game was going on, one of the priests said:  “What should we do if we knew that the last judgment would take place in an hour?“

One said:  “I would kneel down immediately and pray for the next hour, until the end of time came.“ The next one said:  “I would go to one of you for confession and confess everything I did wrong in my entire life to have a clear conscience.”

They waited to see what the Archbishop would say… after a moment of silence he bent over and stuck the ball with his stick and said:  “I should quietly continue to play the game, because I began it with the intention of honoring God.“

The archbishop was simply going about his day trying to bring Jesus love into that part of his heart. It’s in this way, when we’re walking through even the most mundane things, we can be always be making more space and making that space an encounter with Jesus. It’s not fighting things ‘out there’, it’s about inviting and loving ‘in here’. When we change ‘in here’ to be Jesus – we now live and love as Jesus did. We can get ourselves and our egos – the things always seeking more and are never satisfied – out of the way and simply live in the radiant love of Jesus more and more. We become Jesus for others. We find peace because we’re living in it – constantly.

This is real freedom and real happiness. It means we never even fear our own end – because we have been living each moment with Jesus. We simply move from imperfect vision to perfect vision. From being with our lover imperfectly – to being with Him perfectly. The only sadness is that we wouldn’t have more time to learn to love Jesus better and become an even greater saint in heaven.

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Equality as an absolute value

Equality as an absolute value

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“Harrison Bergeron” is a satirical dystopian science-fiction short story written in 1961 by American author Kurt Vonnegut.

In the year 2081, the Constitution dictates that all Americans are fully equal and not allowed to be smarter, better-looking, or more physically able than anyone else. Diana Moon Glampers, the Handicapper General, and her agents enforce the equality laws by forcing citizens to wear “handicaps” such as ugly masks for those who are too beautiful, earpiece radios that broadcast irritating noises meant to disrupt thoughts for the intelligent, and heavy weights for the strong or athletic. Examples include things like ballerinas wear grotesque masks and heavy weights to them to make them clumsy and unattractive.

A lot of modern policy is based on the notion of equality – but I think Vonnegut’s story presents a valid discussion point to what equality really means. Living in the extremely liberal town of Portland, I have heard people promote the very ideas in this story as a vision of equality. Does equality mean that all people must be the same?

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